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The Inadequate Wife

I was laying in bed with the hubs, it was around 6 am, now I'm usually sleeping and he's getting ready to leave for work. He got back into bed around 6:10 am and I said, "what are you doing? Don't you have to leave for work?" And his reply was, "I just wanted to cuddle with my wife before I leave for the day." My heart melted and I squeezed him so tight.

My husband travels frequently for work. He is rarely home for more than 2 or 3 days at a time. Thankfully, this time he has a work assignment within the same state but his hours are opposite of mine.

It's so easy to become passing ships.

He wakes up at 5:30 am, hits the road by 6:30 am, and doesn't get back until around 5:30 pm. His day doesn't stop there. He tutors young kids and college students in computer science from around 6:30 pm-8 pm or some nights until 10 pm. So from the time he gets home he's prepping for his sessions.

My day consists of me waking up closer to 7 am to leave at the house by 7:30 to catch my train to take me into the city to my 9-5. I get back sometime in the evening. He always beats me home.

But it doesn't stop there. If I haven't meal prepped that week, I find myself going to the grocery store to make dinner for that evening. I always make extra so that we can have lunch for the next few days. Or if I did meal prep, I have to make it to the gym at least 1 day a week after work. At least. Which means I still wouldn't get home until after 7 pm.

Besides giving my him a plate of food or catching him 5 minutes before his tutoring session. We rarely see each other.

After I take a shower and wind down for the night it's around 8 pm. Which means, he's going into a new session or coming out of his previous one.

By the time he comes to bed, I'm either already sleeping or fighting it. He may put on a show or movie but I can't promise I won't be snoring 5 minutes in.

Side note: I need my full 8-10 hours of sleep.

Any less and I. Don't. Function.

I put a lot of emphasis on things like date night or spending extra time in bed before we tackle the outside world. But that's the only time we get together in this current season of life.

This morning he asked me if I would be able to pack his lunch today. This action is a part of my nighttime routine. I meal prep both of our lunches the night before. The last few days I stopped prepping the night before and started prepping in the morning. Then prepping in the morning turned into not prepping at all.

Some of you may think, he's a grown man!, he can do it himself! - but that's not the point.

There are things that I do for us to keep our household functioning and running smoothly and he does the same. In the areas which I start to slack, affects not only me but both of us.

When it starts to affect him, he gets worried that there's something wrong with me or starts questioning himself.

Are you sick?

Did I say something wrong?

Are you not getting enough sleep?

This is all out of compassion.

Given the fact that his top Love Language is Acts of Service - doing things to make his life easier, makes me happy. And it makes his day. When I start to fall short on those things, I feel inadequate. And I've had plenty of moments feeling this way.

I get so much joy out of taking care of my husband and my home. I would prefer learning how to make a new dinner recipe, to have a hot plate of food on the table by 5:30 pm for when he gets home.

There was a period where I didn't work for about 5 months, and during this time all I did was cater to my home and I loved it. Every day when my husband came home dinner was ready, the house was clean, laundry was done, and we were happy.

I felt much more fulfilled doing this than I've ever felt about anything.

It got to the point where he asked me if I was ever going to go back to work. I was like, oh shoot, how long has it been? HA!

I will note, that when I did go back to work, dinner was not on the table every night or at all. Laundry wasn't done. And our house was not clean. By the time the weekend rolled around I didn't wanna do anything! Till this day he still initiates the cleaning.

The last thing I want to do is clean...on a Saturday.

He quickly recognized and acknowledged that there was a big difference between stay at home Jasmine vs. working Jasmine. He preferred the stay at home version.

But let's be honest here - we have a mortgage and student loan debt that we are trying to pay off. We are working on generating income to build wealth for ourselves and future family. We are adults and this is life. So that's our plan for now.

This is a glimpse into one of the moments where I find myself reflecting and I can't help to fight the urge of staying home.

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