I wasn't expecting my first post of 2020 to start like this.
Some of the stories I have people wouldn't believe me if I told them. For that reason alone I keep it to myself. But these first 7 days of 2020 I cannot keep to myself. I write this post in hesitation to share my experiences. But I'm also writing this as a reminder to myself to look back on December 31, 2020, and see how much has changed.
I remind myself that the reason for me to do these blogs was to share my transition to become a stay at home (something) and share my experiences along the way.
So here it goes...
January 1st - Still felt like 2019, midweek no big deal.
January 2nd - A guy had a seizure in my lap and I waited with him until the ambulance arrived.
January 3rd - Prayed for the guy I helped the day before.
January 4th - Went to my bosses Wedding.
January 5th - Normal day at home.
January 6th - Witnessed a suicide on the way to work.
January 7th - Grieved the death of a stranger.
All I can say is wow. From Iran to Australia to my back yard, just Wow.
I would be lying if I said I didn't question why God allowed me to see what I saw. Was I supposed to learn something? Was I in the wrong place at the wrong or the right time? Why would I have been allowed to help a man who was having a seizure on Thursday? to then have to call the police because a man hung himself in a tree on Monday?
Now, I'm the type of person that can't handle a slightly suspenseful movie without having nightmares. And if I don't get push notifications sent to my phone or read an article on Facebook, I don't watch this news. It's too depressing and upsetting to watch history repeat itself. I will stay current but feeding my mind all the negatively that goes on around the world, is not for me.
So, these first seven days, hit me hard. I didn't have to turn on the news or watch a horror movie because I was living in it.
It's one thing to hear about it, read it in a book, or see it on TV. Even going to an open casket funeral didn't compare to what I felt in that moment. The feeling that overcomes you, when you witness someone taking their own life - in front of you, with your own eyes. And there is nothing you can do to stop it. It's gut-wrenching.
There are so many people truly suffering in this life.
I pray for them today.
I pray for their hearts to heal.
I pray for there to be a shift in their atmosphere.
I pray for whoever this man was, that he is no longer in suffering.
I pray for the family he has left behind.
I pray for his salvation.
I pray for peace in all the lives, hearts, and minds of people that were affected.
I never would have imagined grieving the loss of someone I never knew. I'm not sure if I will forget his face, or the coldness in his skin, his blue jeans, a blue jacket, and a burgundy hat. But I hope over time it gets easier.
Over the past few days I've found myself analyzing the situation, what if I arrived moments sooner, how long was he contemplating this, did he just want to be seen.
For those who read this, whether you are a survivor, a witness, or battling...
I am here.
I, unfortunately, know too many stories of people who took their own life. But I have never been as close as I was on January 6, 2020. I am here, I will listen.
I pray for the rest of 2020, that it only gets better, that this was the worst thing that could happen. I pray to move forward and heal, to be PTSD-free. Life is such a blessing and to know that there are people in this world who do not feel the same is heartbreaking. To know that they couldn't find a way to escape those demons. I pray for my friends and family, my future children and their children. I write this post as a reminder to myself that mental health is important and life is a gift and I will cherish these moments for as long as I live.